Wandering Mulberries

Today I bought a teen magazine. I’m a good 10 years past the acceptable age for reading such fare and obviously far too young and glamorous looking, to possibly have a teenage daughter that I might be purchasing it for. All in all, I was a little skaam about my inappropriate purchase. Sniffing out my sense of shame like a pouncing jungle cat, the female shopkeeper spent 5 eye-wateringly long minutes ‘looking for the price’ and scrutinising me, while I shifted uneasily from foot to foot, blushing and fanning my face like a beauty queen. Anyone would have thought I was a middle-aged sweaty bloke buying an x-rated copy of ‘Foreskin Gump’.

The reason I spent £2.75 on Bliss Magazine, aimed at the pre-pubescent was the headline,

‘MY BIG FAT GYPSY LIFE “We live in a bus – without a shower or loo. So what?”’

Hang on a tick, did someone write about my life without me knowing about it? I live in a bus without a shower or loo. So of course I had to read about my doppelganger.

I discovered some pertinent information about the red-haired teen in question (remember I too went red once see Florence Red): 1) Her family live in a converted double-decker bus, lovingly wood panelled and converted by her parents 2) She is part of a family of travellers living in a motorway layby off a main highway. 3) She is not a gypsy, she is a traveller – there is a difference. 4) She is not from a long line of travellers, her mother went travelling around the world and met some people who introduced her to the travelling way of life and then met Dad, who was tired of city living and looking for some freedom and viola their lifestyle was born.

This raised some points in my own life: 1) The Husband and I live in a single storey bus (it once seated 33), loving converted and carpeted by our own hand. 2) We live at the bottom of a Bohemian’s garden in the middle of Scotland. We are friends and family with alternative sorts who live in yurts/caravans and campervans 3) The difference between gypsy or traveller seems rather small to me, may be falling dangerously close to the latter category 4) We are not from a long line of travellers but I met the Husband whilst travelling and referring to point 2) we know some alternative sorts, we too are looking for some freedom and ‘Sticking it to the Man’, and viola this is how the lifestyle is born.

You can see where this is going…the Husband and I have inadvertently turned into pikeys.

We are one step away from walking our dogs on strings, all that’s left is getting a goat and starting to scour scrap yards for nickable metals. I’ll of course have to fall pregnant immediately and have a brood of mini-travellers; obviously they’ll all be homebirths, the twins being the trickiest. Once our progeny mature we can turn into a family band complete with accordions and travel from pub to country pub, living in laybys along the A30. In honour of the Travelling Wilburries we’ll call ourselves the Wandering Mulberries. Of course, depending on our ablution facilities we may well become the Festering Dingleberries…but hey “We live in a bus – without a shower or loo. So what?”

The full article, "I've never lived in a house - home is a double decker bus" can be read in the June 2011 edition of Bliss Magazine, by all means read it, but a word of warning find a 13 year old to buy it for you.