Bad day at Black Rock

Today was quite frankly CRAP!

My vacuuming of the upstairs landing was interrupted by a pitiful, “Help, help…he…lp…” I hightailed it downstairs to find Eileen’s disembodied head sticking out from behind the bathroom door into the passage. “Help” the little head said.

After checking the little head was still attached to the little geriatric body and all was still breathing, I peeked around the bathroom door. It transpired that Eileen was lying across the bathroom floor, her feet by the toilet cistern, her head sticking out the door and onto the passage carpet. She had fainted. Unfortunately she was in the act of defecation as she fell. I don’t want to dwell, but the smell would have choked a skunk. At this point I took back anything I said about not hating my job (see Morbidly Obese). Truly it is not for the fainthearted finding someone helplessly wallowing in his or her own excretor.

Luckily Eileen was uninjured but getting her up involved throwing kitchen towel and newspaper at the offensive matter, which seemed to cover every available surface. I then had to unceremoniously wipe the old girl down and hoist her off the floor with her linguine legs spindling about and her bunioned feet skidding vigorously in faecal matter.

“Not to worry, happens all the time,” I lied in my most professional voice. “Nothing to be embarrassed about,” I gasped in between half-gasped breaths of mustard gas, cheeks like a puffer fish.

Eventually we got her up and cleansed. I then had the dubious task of peeling layers of newspaper off drying mustard putty poo, which had worked it’s way nicely into the grouting. And so I scrubbed and mock-charged and puffer-fished and dry-wretched and chipmunk-cheeked and generally went a little blue in the face.

For the rest of the day I couldn’t get that noxious odour out of my nostrils. And you know what they say - the smell is caused by actual particles of poo travelling up your nasal passage, which means I have wandered about all day with geriatric shit up my nose.

Somedays you're the statue, somedays you're the pigeon. Today I was definitely the pigeon.