Eileen is so lazy if she was a man she would spend a whole day crying because she was sitting on her balls and was too lazy to move.
The woman drives me mad. Yesterday I found her sweltering, tomato faced and virtually melting into her easy chair wearing a knitted pullover topped with a stout cardigan.
Eileen: Oh, I’m so hot. [Said in breathy Marilyn Monroe voice, while pitifully waving hand in front of face in manner of beauty pageant queen]
Me: Well, that’s probably because it’s 19’C outside and you have the heating on and two jumpers.
Eileen: I know. [Breathy Marilyn sigh]. It’s just that I was too lazy to take this cardigan off. Although, I thought about it.
Me: [Yanking off cardigan with alarming alacrity, my cheerfulness hurting my cheeks] Well, perhaps next time you should save yourself from roasting, or at least call me; I’m in the next room.
Eileen: I know, I thought about calling out, but I couldn’t be bothered.
Me: [Folding up offending cardigan, sense of humour draining with each passing minute] Ok, I’ll put this in your room. Do you need anything else?
Eileen: Huh?
Me: DO-YOU-NEED-ANYTHING-ELSE? WHERE-IS-YOUR-HEARING-AID? [Said in loud manner of Americans trying to speak to non-English speakers i.e. each word increasing a decibel, accompanied by excessive gesticulation in the direction of my ear]
Eileen: Oh, um, that…I couldn’t be bothered to put it in.
Me: Right I’ll go and find it. [Striding off purposefully towards door].
Eileen: Oh, before you go could you put the Telly on?
Me: [Glancing over shoulder notice remote is touching Eileen’s right hand] Why don’t you use the remote?
Eileen: Don’t know where it is. [Making no attempt whatsoever to look for bleeding thing]
Me: That's funny, I can see it next to your right hand…
Eileen: [Looking down at remote as though seeing it for the first time]. Well, so it is…I couldn’t be bothered to look for it.
Seriously? I’ve met stoned teenage boys with more energy and enthusiasm. Guess I’ll have to put it on my bovvered list.
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