Sounds of Mastication

One of my pet hates is the sound of chewing; it’s right up there with dogs slurping at their what-nots in company, which is why Eileen’s galloping false teeth cause me such breakfasting pain (see Love in a time of Dentistry.) I firmly believe that the sounds of mastication (and the other word that rhymes with it) should be drowned out by music, preferably something with a healthy beat so that the whole affair can be done with very quickly. I’m really not very good with cold food or the sounds of cud chewage, unless I have an abundance of wine and witty conversation at hand.

With this in mind, the Husband and I spend a great deal of time apart – I believe it’s one of the secrets to our happy marriage, absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that – in order to sustain our 3 year old marriage the Husband and I spend a lot of time communicating via the Telephone:

Me: [The sounds of Carly Simon’s ‘Your so vain’ emanate from my pocket – Carly starts with ‘Son of a Gun’ so I know it’s my husband] Ah, hello Husband. How are you?

Husband: Hi, good thanks. How you?

Me: Oh, you know the old girl is driving me crazy, she’s trying to hide used sanitary pads in her pockets, which is a little disturbing and…

Husband: [Crunch, chew, munch, munch. crunch…glurp]

Me: ..and…are you eating something?

Husband: [Crunch, munch] Momn [chew] I’m eating [crunch, splerg] a chocolate [munch] digestive [crunch] it’s delicious…

Me: Yes, it sounds it. Maybe I should ring you back later?

Husband: Oh, don’t worry I’m done now, what were you saying?

Me: Ja, so she’s hiding smelly wee pads in her cardigan pockets and it’s a little…

Husband: [Gulp, swallow, swish]

Me: …and it’s a little…distracting. Are you drinking something?

Husband: [Glug, swish] Yip, I’m having a nice cup of tea. Sounds like you should have one.

Me: I might, AFTER THIS CONVERSATION…

Husband: So, she’s hiding smelly pads…[crunch, munch]

Me: Are you eating again?

Husband: Oh, [chew, gurgle] sorry. It’s another digestive once they hit your lips…[munch]

Me: I’m going to have to phone you back later.

Now what was I saying about our happy marriage?

A note: This is not an actual conversation between the Husband and I but an approximation of many such conversations, he once phoned me just to share the joyful sounds of him eating cheesecake. And Eileen really has started hiding used urine-soaked sanitary pads in her pockets. I despair.

Ah, and the picture "Chunder Spot" is part of the route marked out for the A-level students who have just finished exams and were doing a pub-run. The joy of youthful overindulgence.