OH WHAT A WICKED WASTE OF TIME...

It turns out that Mr Coldsnap-Tailor has a Mrs Coldsnap-Tailor, i.e. Humphrey has a wife called Moe. Turns out Moe also suffers from Dementia but unlike Humphrey’s harmless 3-second memory Moe likes to shift furniture around, cutting family photographs and paintings into miniscule little squares and generally going a-wandering. The family unable to deal with two demented parents finally snapped and put Moe in a Nursing Home specialising in Dementia care.

And so it was that Humphrey and I headed off to visit Moe at Harrington Manor Nursing Home. We were led up a flight of stars to the lock-down section, which is one long carpeted corridor with bedrooms coming off it and a lounge/dining area at the end. The first thing you notice about Harrington Manor’s advanced dementia ward is the heady aroma of CO(NH2)2 or urea, for those of you who managed to avoid High School Chemistry. It would appear that Dementia smells strongly of piddle.

The second thing that you notice about the Dementia ward is the manic energy it exudes. Standing in the corridor sniffing the waft of wee, we immediately spotted a manic Moe zigzagging across the corridor from room to room, carrying: a pair of shoes, a bottle of shampoo, a teddy bear and a coat hanger. She immediately recognized Humphrey:

Moe: [Giving Humphrey a kiss on the cheek] Hello dear, take this. [Hands Humphrey the coat hanger]

Humphrey: Oh, what’s this? What do you want me to do with it?

Moe: Well, put it in the bathroom.

Humphrey: The bathroom? [Stares quizzically at coat hanger]

Moe: Oh, give it here. [Snatches coat hanger from Humphrey and marches off down the hall]

Humphrey: But Moe, dear, what are you doing?

Moe: [Over her shoulder] I’m looking…for everything.

Humphrey: But are you coming home? We’ve come to get you.

Moe: [Walking away] Well, of course not Humphrey I’m getting much better.

And so it continued with Moe collecting more items and putting others down as Humphrey and I trailed behind her from room to room.

Suddenly a bald man brandishing a hairbrush walked up to us. “Hello” said Baldy. “Hello” I replied, “is that your hairbrush?”

“Well, obviously” responded Baldy, who then proceeded to mime brushing luscious long locks. Having mime-brushed his hair Baldy joined our little conga-line – Moe hustling from room to room, Humphrey tripping over her heels and Baldy waving his hairbrush behind Humphrey’s back. I paced 5 steps behind the crazy train. Eventually a care-assistant intervened and sent us down the hall to the lounge area to have a seat. Here sipping on a congealed cup of tea Moe was suddenly quite lucid and we had a passable 5 minute conversation about who I was. The conversation promptly deteriorated:

Moe: So where are you staying?

Me: I’m staying at the farm to help out while your daughter is away.

Moe: Oh, where has she gone?

Me: To Australia to visit your sister.

Moe: Yes, that’s right, well I’m glad you’re there to keep Humphrey in line. [Looks over to Humphrey] Now, be a good boy and go stand in the window.

Humphrey: [Looking incredulous] Be a good boy? Stand in the window?

Moe: Yes, like that man who walks on the window.

Humphrey: Do you eat apples?

Moe: Me? Apples? Heaven’s no!

Humphrey: Oh, I see there are plenty on the ground…

[Interjection by diminutive woman sitting in the corner] OH WHAT A WICKED WASTE OF TIME. THIS PLACE WILL DRIVE YOU MAD!

Moe: What’s she doing? Is she performing?

At this point I started our goodbyes, there really is only so long that you can spend surrounded by madness with the smell of widdle up your nose.

Me: [To Moe] Listen Moe, I’m afraid that Humphrey and I need to go. We’ll come back and see you later in the week.

Moe: Yes, you should take him home [gestures to Humphrey]. Take this with you [hands me her teddy bear] You can’t trust anyone round here. He’ll be safer with you.

Me: Oh, right we’ll do that then. [Accepting the teddy bear] You’re sure you don’t want to keep him?

Moe: Oh, no I’ve already got a dog and two cats and they’re all right because they behave. [Looks disapprovingly at Humphrey] If only they all behaved.

On the way out I handed the teddy bear to a care assistant. “Oh, thank you, that’ll be Lilly’s, she’d be devastated if it got lost.”

Well Moe was right about one thing, you can’t trust anyone in there.