Mr Coldsnap-Tailor of the Goldfish Memory

My parents’ will be pleased to know that I’m once again in gainful employment. I find myself on a farm in Leafy Bucks (Buckinghamshire) looking after Mr Coldsnap-Tailor, who shall here after be affectionately known as Humphrey. Humphrey, bless his cotton socks has Dementia of the Goldfish 3 second memory variety:

Humphrey: [Looks up from reading the paper] So where do you live?

Me: Edinburgh.

H: [Eyes widening in surprise] Really? [Continues reading newspaper article about dog attack] What’s a Rottweiler?

Me: It’s a breed of dog.

H: Oh, not a wild animal then.

Me: No.

[5 minute pause; Humphrey re-reads the same newspaper article]

H: So are you local?

Me: No, I’m from Edinburgh.

H: [Alarmed eyes] Gosh! Are you really? [Eyes back on The Daily Telegraph]

[5-minute pause; Humphrey re-reads article on dog attack]

H: What’s a Rottweiler then?

Me: Type of dog.

H: Oh. [Looks back at paper] So where are you are from then?

As you can see I’m going to have a lovely time with Humphrey.

Yesterday ‘Dances with Wolves’ was on telly and as I have a dirty old-man crush on Kevin Costner I subjected Humphrey to Mr Costner getting tribal with the Native Americans. In one scene ‘Dances with Wolves’ (Costner) and his love interest ‘Standing Fist’ were making out passionately under a tree, the scene cut to ‘Standing Fist’ disrobing rather steamily in ‘Dances with Wolves’ Tepee:

Humphrey: She had rather more clothes on outside the tent.

Me: Yes, I think she’s seducing him.

Humphrey: She’s doing a good job. [Scene change to ‘Dances with Wolves’ and ‘Standing Fist’ gaining Biblical knowledge of each other] Is she his wife then? What are they doing now?

Me: What’s that you want a cup of tea? Right away Sir.

Not sure I can deal with discussing Dances with Wolves’ Standing Fist to a demented octogenarian. Tea anyone?