I don't think the Valium is working. PantyHead spent a good portion of the day scribbling exacting calculations on a small piece of paper of presisely when she should take her pills, the instructions said 3 times a day, as required:
PantyHead: Oh, Emma come here I need you to look at this [Waving piece of paper covered in numerical scribblings around]
Me: OK, COMING. [Exasperated sigh]
PantyHead: Now I have to take my pills exactly 8 hours apart. As I took one at 4.30 that means 4.30, 12.30 and 8.30. But that doesn't finish at 4.30 so I'm confused.
Me: I DON'T THINK THEY HAVE TO BE TAKEN EXACTLY 8 HOURS APART. [Shouted at 10000000 decibels to penetrate the elderly inner-ear]
PantyHead: Yes, 8 hours apart, that's what I said.
Me: NO, THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE TAKEN 8 HOURS APART! THE INSTRUCTIONS SAY 3 TIMES A DAY. [Increasing volume of ear-ringing screech]
PantyHead: In ENGLAND that means 8 hours apart. You see you wouldn't know because you're not English. You're from that hot country with the flat mountain.
Me: YES, SOUTH AFRICA.
PantyHead: You see, Emma, so you wouldn't know. I know because I'm English and I understand English prescriptions. Pass me the phone I'm going to phone the Doctor.
And despite a conversation in which the Doctor reiterated everything I had just said PantyHead had a sleepless night clock watching and popping valiums at midnight and 4.30am. She reported to me in the morning that she fell asleep between midnight and 4am, which according to her is unusual as these pills are stimulants. She also informed me that they are of great value on the black market to people who want to stay up drinking and dancing all night. I didn't have the strength to correct her.
Now if only I had some Valium...
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