Dog Days Aren't Over

Well, well an action packed weekend in the House of Pumpernickel. Her ladyship has developed a new trick, she simply decides that she will not stand up as her legs are a) sore and b) can’t do it. This new addition to her arsenal of troublesome tricks is particularly annoying mid way through the morning shower routine. We’ll be dripping wet in the shower, Lady P. precariously perched on her little shower chair with a towel around her and I’ll suggest she tries to stand up:

Me: Ah, Lady Pumpernickel should we move over to the toilet seat so we can get dressed? (Note my use of the Royal ‘We’).
Lady P: [Looking somewhat drowned] Yes, why don’t we?
Me: Ok, then so we need to stand up. If you put your hand on this rail here and the other one over here, I’ll help you and we’ll stand up on the count of 3. Ok?
Lady P: Yes?
Me: We’ll stand up on the count of 3, 1 -2 -3, STAND.
Lady P: [Does nothing makes not attempt to stand, legs dangling off the edge of shower chair, looks up very pleased with self] Ah, well that didn’t work did it?
Me: No, it didn’t perhaps you could try to stand up?
Lady P: No, I can’t why don’t you do it?
Me: I can’t stand up for you, but I will help you up.
Lady P: Well, I don’t see why you can’t, you’re just standing there. Lazy! Disgraceful!
Me: Certainly are… [Muttered under breath and aimed entirely as Queen Arsey-Bottom]. Now, can we try to stand up again?
Lady P: No.
Me: Why not?
Lady P: I can’t.
Me: Why can’t you stand?
Lady P: Because you have put my legs…in the bedroom.

You can’t argue with that, so at this point I have to excuse myself from the room and have a 10 minute recovery in another room. I will then return and try again, leaving and returning ad nauseum until eventually we make progress.

This little power play doesn’t only happen when Lady P is in the shower it can strike at anytime. But quite often it plays out when Pumpernickel is on the toilet. Her refusal to move can add up to a good 40-45minutes perched on the crapper. I have heard that prolonged periods of sitting with one’s bowels so loosened can result in piles or haemorrhoids. I think therefore that the Pumpernickel is suffering from ROID RAGE.