Love in a Time of Cellular Communication

The Husband has been gone for 2 weeks now and it feels like an eternity.  He dropped off the grid, completely disappeared for a whole week. Our entire marital relationship comprised of one-sided text messages:

Sun 19.30

Hello how are things your end?  What’s happening with work? Xxx [3 kisses because I’m quite optimistic about a reply]

Mon 11.53

Hello are you OK? Am I right to assume you had a bender and are now in the horrors?  Keep the focus.  Love you x [One kiss as am slightly miffed due to lack of reply]

Then I change tack and start to add little bits of news:

Tues 09.49

Morning Treacle [insert nickname implying ownership & a caring and deep relationship], are we looking better today? Pretty chilly here today. [Because talk of the weather never fails to get a Brits attention].  Was Comrades Marathon on  Sunday we camped by the roadside watching knackered runners.  Very hot day, with strong Berg wind so bad conditions. [Again with the weather report]. Poor B (mutual friend) didn’t make it vomited his lungs out. [I like to end a conversation on a high note. No kisses. I’m pissed off deluxe].

Wed 08.01

Morning are you back on the grid? [Slightly threatening undertones to this question] I’m having dinner with the Dutchie tonight as he is in town.  Let us know you are alive. X [One kiss out of sheer desperation].

Wed 22.30

Sushi and wine with the Dutchie and Gert.  We have such lovely friends. Come back soon x [Yes, I do have a social life without you.  No I am not at home waiting for you to call/text/facebook/tweet me.]

Fri 08.03

Really chilly morning and nights now. [More idle chat about meteorological conditions].  The fur throw from the couch is now on my bed, brrr. [Now idle nonsense about home décor].  Queenie [3yr old niece] is so silly. Told her we needed to wash her feet and came into the bathroom to find her sitting on floor with soap dispenser next to her, feet lathered in soap! [A little cute family news to lure him out of his snuggery].  Scotland vs Samoa rugby in Durbs 2mrw [Indicating that I am young and hip & can still abbreviate with the kids, obvs, and will have no trouble moving on if he has forsaken me].  Sister taking Dad for his bday. [More family news and to let him know that my sister is out-manoeuvring me in her bid for the inheritance, Damn her eyes!] Wish you were here xxx [3 kisses out of sheer desperation].

At this point I’ve given up all hope of ever seeing the Husband again.  In my wild-imaginings he’s been stolen by tinkers (he’s wee and funny, they like that) and we’ve held a beautiful memorial ceremony for him.  I eulogised the shit out of it, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house.  I looked stunning in black, a vision of untimely, young widowhood.

Beep-beep.

Fri 13.22

Hello, sorry been off planet! Not been on a bender at all, had flu, still wobbly but better.  Will call tonight, miss you xx

So it turns out I’m not widowed, he hasn’t run off with tinkers he just had the man-flu and was too ill to type a little message to his long suffering (slightly-deranged) wife a WHOLE CONTINENT away.  

And after a week of no contact he ends with the double kiss?

Oooh-eh-eh.  This long distance thing is nie vir sussies nie.*

*Not for sissies.